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River Life

This weekend was my first get away to the river for the year. It was somewhat of a struggle to make it happen, because people who fail to think their decisions through put a huge wrench in my schedule. My original summer schedule had me at my office in the morning specifically so I could go off-grid a little longer. But that has changed, and I will live with it. The run itself was good, very needed, but also very telling. One of the newer guides had a bit of issues due to someone being a bit over-bearing and guiding a crew that wasn’t 100% working with her. Sounded familiar to me.

But the sun came out just long enough to ensure that I got sunburned in the most awkward pattern. Stayed clear the entire trip, watched some careless activity somehow result in no injuries or death. And my GoPro stayed on for most of it. I still haven’t downloaded it to see what all I did get. But in all, there is still haze to my sight.

I lost another student this week. Brings me down to 5. I’m still trying to decide if I should cry or high five the decision maker on this. I was told, at the beginning of the year, to bring my numbers down. I chose to limit who I was taking on and let the numbers drop organically. Well, they’ve dropped. I know my students will be better for it, but I’m wondering if I will. I am continuing with open eyes, knowing the potential for next year. Trying to hang on and use this opportunity to learn and grow, before going back. But that train has been put back on to my own rails, behind my own engine car. I’m trying to flow with things, let the currents carry me, and do what I can to avoid the rocks. But that’s the beauty of the river; it can be the most peaceful thing on top, but filled with sharp rocks and foot traps underneath the water.

So my question to myself, should I go ahead and jump the dam, take the chance? Or play it long-term and save the grand finale for the end?

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Oh hai there…

Welcome to my new playground. I’m in the process of setting it up, so I beg forgiveness for the mess. For those of you who are new here, I actually blog over at LiveJournal. So please feel free to visit the link above to that blog. I will be moving my meditations over here, so those will be “the blog”. This is just my way of consolidating everything. Who knows, maybe it will evolve into something else. 😉

Edit: Ok, I just went and hung out on my meditation blog, and you know what? I really prefer that layout that I have set up. So those are going to stay there. Sure it’s a cluster and a half, but I like it. I’ll look into transferring my public LJ posts here, if that’s possible. But I really like the fact that I can lock posts down to friends only there. As much of my life that has been lived available to everyone and their mother online, some things just need to stay out of that line of vision, ya know?

Evolving again…

I can feel it. Certain things are starting to set me off, others I’m just done with and don’t miss at all. I’m still curious as to which direction I’m being pulled, but I’m going to allow it because it’s time. I’m watching for the signs, noting when there is synchronicity and letting that be the lead. It’s spring and it’s time for change and growth; fall and winter are about letting things fallow, give them time to settle in and root down. Now is the time to till that all up and bring it to the surface.

There has been a lot brewing over the winter, in all facets that I’ve seen. I’m finding that the masks are starting to dissolve and people and ideas are being shown to be what they really are – masks, costumes, all to make others feel better, or feel like the reality is something more like silk when it’s really cheap rayon. These lenses we look through are just tinted, but in a manner that much is hidden and less is seen. But at the same time, the cry is there to keep the true nature hidden. Because it’s comfortable. It’s safe. New masks are being made, new costumes designed. All to keep those that seek comfort from taking a good hard look and going deeper into what really makes up the foundation.

Chaos, order. You can’t have one without the other and when their cyclical nature is halted you have stagnation. Stagnation breeds disease and death, which starts the machine back up – without the part that was causing the stagnation.

Step by step…

I’m walking away from things and walking towards others. Every time I open Facebook I sit and wonder why I’m even there. I scroll through half of it, comment and like few and in-between and noticing that I make a decision based on whether or not it’s an open post and whether or not it’s something I mind the search engines knowing. I don’t mind, I just find it interesting.

I’ve also cut back on that whole coffee thing. I couldn’t drink it post surgery, and surprising enough I didn’t miss it. I like that idea because it means I can now sit back and really enjoy the moment of it, in the same way a Japanese tea ceremony is to be enjoyed. I’m longing for the warmth of weather so I can sit on the patio again, listening to the world happen. We’re already contemplating this year’s layout and the new things we need to get to make it our little refuge.

I haven’t gotten back into my full asana practice. Meditation is happening more and more, though. That otherworld call keeps happening and I keep giving in to it. I can’t wait for the veil to start opening again to me. The realization that yes, I do need to be in this world, but no, it’s not the most important place to be. My life tends to not fall apart as fast or be as hard to deal with when I allow that realization to manifest. Digging myself out of that wretched hole, finally.

Thoughts and ponderings….

Sitting in the room, listening to Led Zeppelin (Pastry got the recent offerings) and reading the remainder of The Upanishads that I haven’t finished. The further realization that I’ve fallen further from the spirituality tree. But I’m turning around. The original thought was to see about spending a week up at the Monastery for a time of silent contemplation with my journals. Then the idea that I think I want to move my yoga program (meaning just me, unless any other instructors want to get in on this) to a donation only set-up. Not necessarily in the realm of seeing if it works, but in thinking how things were done at one point and how we’ve gotten away from that – namely, providing a service for what people could afford. My parents would totally knock me for this, as would some of my friends. But as I sit back and think about it, my life has been a series of financial blunders and worries because of the fact that I put money first. As I’ve started to not do that, things have grown. When I start fretting, things taper off.

I honestly don’t want to live a deep material life. I like my small house, I like my few objects (even though I need to get rid of more of them), and I love my vacation experiences. I like waking up late on Sundays, listening to whatever Pastry feels like putting on the table, and hanging out with my cats or going for a hike in a forest. I like tearing down walls in my house and creating new things. When Spring fully arrives, I will be back out on the patio enjoying the mornings and evenings.

I always joked that I would never know what to do with money if I ever made more thank $20k a year. And I still don’t know what I’d do. Most would go towards my retirement account, maybe save up for that VW camper trailer I want and put some towards a recycled shipping container house in the mountains.

I just find it amazing, thinking about the depths I’ve sunk to, sometimes. Trying to dig myself out, because I don’t trust that it will happen naturally. But as I told my mother today. Trusting in the Universe is a true test, namely because humans inject themselves into the equation and tend to screw things up.

Need to turn that around again. Though, it puts me to the point where I have to decide whether I’m going to be a part of the world, or if I’m going to step back from it. I’d like to be a part on my own terms, but I know that’s a large request. I just hope that opening myself up in that way, regardless how it plays out, is in some manner a benefit instead of a detriment. It also means I’ll have to let go and not attach myself to those who cross my path. Not expecting return from those who are more willing to take than give, the one time it is allowed. And walking away from those who wish to gain by stepping on the backs of others without offering a hand up.

I guess I should update…

Liquid diets suck ass. My sugar levels are totally fucked thanks to it. But hey, awesome ice cream (that spikes me like there’s no tomorrow).

Anyway, at some point I’ll post some pictures under a cut. It’s not pretty, but my Doc’s are all happy with the progress minus last night’s little setback. My Peri Doc was impressed with my picture taking ability, she said most dentists can’t send that clear of picture to her. Ortho Doc was happy with the fact that my teeth are moving naturally into place – so am I. The only problem is my bottom teeth want to shift but the membrane and bone graft are preventing it. But…both are growing quite nicely so the Peri Doc is thrilled.

My setback was pretty nasty, so I’m on the kill everything antibiotic now. Spent most of the night walking around and not sleeping because of the swelling and fever. The hydrocodone didn’t even touch it. Ended up having to call out of both jobs today, so really need to do some gifting at the gym for the coverage. This morning, the Peri Doc cleaned things out (without novocaine) and glued me up. Spent the rest of the day trying not to puke and alternating between hot showers and sleeping. I’m pretty convinced that I had a sinus migraine on top of everything. But fever has broken, headache is gone, and I can eat – a little. I can’t believe the amount of pills I have to pop these days. Calcium, probiotics, hydro, clindamycin, sudafed, and who knows what else will be added to that. I’m really hoping that this is the worst of it. Not sure I can handle a year of this. I broke down today because I thought I might end up in the hospital with a really nasty infection. I wish this shit would happen on a weekend.

And PS – bone grafts look like maggots.