politics

Who knows….

I have no clue where I’m going to go with this entry, maybe no where. I feel the need to retreat from this world, or at least this country. I’m proud that we’re finally waking up and the catalyst to do so was the result of the curtain being removed from around the land of Oz. And as always, there is a but here…

It saddens me, in all of this, to watch voices be silenced because of disagreement – even if they are of an opinion I disagree with. I’ve pretty much hit the point where I don’t feel I can even talk to most people, rationally, about anything these days. So I sit in silence, occasionally giving a thumbs up, going about my business, and keeping my head down. It’s not worth it anymore and I’d rather spend my time obsessing over philosophy and the trends of nature. But this is a trend. Chaos must precede order, death must come to make room for life. Just as the wildfires and floods cleanse the land for the smaller trees and flora that need the ash and space to grow, so too must the world of man exist in similar fashion.

There’s an extent to which I look forward to the cleansing this brings to the socio-political world, but it’s a question of who to trust in the aftermath and whether or not they are what they seem. There’s a lot of fog around me these days, physically and metaphysically. These days, it makes me wonder if it’s a sign of things to come and whether the idea of being a secluded mystic is more the path for me than being in public. And the more I contemplate the idea, the more life seems to work for me. It also seems to be the direction the universe is sending me.

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Ugh…(much bitching ahead skip if needed)

This day can just not get any better. Started out great…then I got to the office. It seems over the weekend something happened and the top drawer in my file cabinet decided to relocate further towards the middle drawer. In doing so, it jacked up the lock on the locked drawers – you know those ones that only I'm supposed to have access to? Well, 3 hours later, I fixed it. Still can't fix the lock, so I'll have to get a new file cabinet. Also found out that my printer doesn't feel like printing. It didn't feel like scanning either, which would be nice, except for the fact that all of Pastry's gov't bullshit has to go out tonight. Then, go to write the check, well – not enough money in the checking account and I don't have any checks for the account that does. Basically, the fees add up to half a month's check. Nice, isn't it? Gov't punishes those who do it legally and rewards those who don't. I wish he'd come from a country that gets the sympathy vote and an Executive Order that allows a mostly free pass with fines that aren't near what the legal folks have to pay. Oh, and Google has decided that I can't log in to my mail. Isn't that nice?

I'm so over this day. I'm beyond pissed.

Oh, I signed the check "Legal Immigration fine". Yeah, I'm in that kind of mood. Hopefully, sleep makes it go away.

I missed it…

But our internet has been out from 2am Sunday to this afternoon, and like hell if I'm going to type a blog post on my phone. Um, no.

At any rate, Pastry's provisional GC is up next month, did we send this shit out last month? No. So I'm getting everything together to send it out tomorrow. Base stuff, and a letter why it's base stuff. My bitch is that some of the stuff they expect is that we want to document EVERYTHING. Makes me want to send in a sex tape instead of anything else. So fucking annoying, I hate the gov't, especially considering I have to go through this, and drop another $590 "filing fee" and biometric appt (will be the 3rd one), but there's a bunch of "undocumented" people running to a DMV in California to get their DL. Seriously, how the fuck does that make sense? I have a ton of other opinions on the subject, but those will have to hold off and probably put under a lock. Immigration here pisses me off, but at least it continues in the "good faith" of the US government – punish those who play by the book and reward those who don't. And please, if you want to comment on this, don't regal me with the dangers of South America, because E. Europe and Asia ain't very pretty either – and you can bet that they aren't included in that EO. At any rate, I'm glad the interview isn't this week, I'd probably not be the greatest candidate – would definitely be overly sarcastic and rip the poor schmuck a new one.

But, we got a new dishwasher working. It's pretty. And my sink is much cleaner now. I also got my email program working again. Nightmare to wait on the answer, but now I can say Yosemite isn't that bad.

Going back to work wasn't too bad. Full schedule, so that's a positive sign for the new year. Also, the gym is picking up, so they need people to take over some beginner and advanced classes. Works for me.

Still tired. Want to sit with coffee in bed with the cats, but I'll take some work. Work is good, makes me feel useful. Need to start teaching yoga classes now. I'm at the point where I'm ready to start my home practice. I'm one of those folks who has to go backwards. I had to put in the actual practice before the physical practice. And that's ok, because that's where I'm pulled anyway.

You can’t see me…

Not because I'm invisible, even though I might be, but because you choose to not see me.

That's pretty much a summary of the waters beneath the surface for the past 3 weeks. I'm usually content to be in the background, doing the things I do because it's who I am, or how I choose to express myself. But the one time, the one time, that I made the choice to step up and say "HEY EVERYONE, REALLY LOOK AT ME!!!" I received the biggest smack down I could ever imagine possible. Worse than any of the shit I put up with going through middle and high school (and believe me, not all of it happened at school, so let's just say girls can be bitches and leave it there). So yeah, not planning on doing that ever again. But at least I know who my family consists of, and I'm grateful to them, even if they were part of the reason I broke before I was supposed to. But I shattered and I'm trying to pick up the pieces, little by little. The universe hasn't been totally helpful, because every time I try to take down time to hit up the mountains, or the river, or something; it manages to pop up and say, "Oh, you want time off? You sure about that?" and when I prove that I am, I come back to a clusterfuck bigger than I left to say, "See, you really shouldn't have taken that downtime. Normally, by this point in the year, I've had a month and a half of vacation. It's what keeps me sane, because I really do need 2-3 weeks to decompress from my job. So far, I've had a week and a half – and that wasn't a real, don't deal with anything work-related, vacation. I really need to just hole up in a cabin with no cell signal or wifi. Just me, coffee, a book, nature, and maybe Pastry (if he can get the time off).

I'm finding I need to re-establish my boundaries. I put myself out there for people, for whatever reason, and find that my margin of returns are exceedingly slim. Those who will continue to be blessed by my thoughtfulness are the ones that have shown themselves to return it, in some way – whether it's "paying it forward" or "kicking it back". I love them, and they get it. But I'm really tired of the dead ends. I'm really tired of looking out the window and seeing what is happening outside. The level of stupidity is astounding to the point I want to slam heads against a mirror and say, "What the fuck are you doing? Don't you see what you are doing?" But it would be useless. Very few are interested in self-reflection, and those who don't even consider it till they hit the proverbial wall are so blinded that they don't even know they've hit anything. It's disheartening to me. Depressing.

I have no clue where I'm going with this. I had some totally awesome stuff in my head earlier. Fluid and descriptive. All the stuff my writing professors loved. All the stuff my muse would pour out on to the paper before she was blindsided and muzzled because she "just wasn't good enough". Stupid people. Stupid me.

My office has a purple rug with yellow and lavender flowers on it. That makes me happy. I need more purple and lavender flowers. I need more solitude. Whatever fire is burning inside needs to come out. I can't handle it anymore, I'm tired of containing it within. It's being fed by something I don't know, and something I'm not familiar with. I don't know how to calm it down. And I don't want it to destroy me.

Ramblings…

Not sure what is coming over me, maybe a sense of self-doubt, sense of separation, who knows. Maybe Mercury is just "in retrograde". I feel like there is this wall around me, that just does not allow a real sense of communication or communion. Like there is just not enough time to do what I need to do, to take care of me. Every turn, I'm avoiding social gatherings or not reaching out to friends to hang out, instead opting for solitude. It's taking its toll.

As much as I have been avoiding politics, I am proud to have been able to witness one senator standing up for the founding documents – which he took an oath to uphold and defend – and calling on his fellow congress critters to tell the president that there is a limit to his power, and to tell the other congress critters that there is a limit to their power. It was a bright moment, that I'm sure will dim, but it was one that needed to be seen. Things in this country scare me, where we're going socially and politically. I have no issue with us declining out of the world spotlight, as nature will take its course. But I do have an issue when the founding principles that we were founded upon are looked to as a myth that is not to be upheld or something to strive for, but is instead seen as an old wives tale that is to be passed off as fiction. The memes and the conspiracy theories abound, half truths that only want to speak of the support of one person over another, instead of one idea – liberty. Either we have that, or we do not. And increasingly, we do not. Yet we cheer? I get told that I refuse to take a side or choose a stance, because I'm a middle-roader. But from the middle, the roads slope down to drain the water. That puts me at the high point. I have my stances, I know what I stand for, but I'm a "waffler" because I don't wholly agree with one side or the other. Both sides want to take liberties away, it's just a matter of which liberties they want to take. And I'm for applying and granting as many liberties as possible. I'm ok with personal responsibility and the consequences that come from people not exercising it. But to minimize the consequences because someone else might not be able to handle it does no service to that person, and others who might learn by example. But hey, what do I know?

I'm glad spring is arriving. Coffee on the patio, and maybe this overwhelming sense of stagnation will go away. And maybe I'll learn to better use my time while I wait on my husband to start his day.

I vented on the TSA today…

I had my moment, and I raised my voice. The day didn't start off bad, it was actually pretty good. Elan slid backwards on her digestive issues because she was given the wrong food for a few days, so instead of leaving for the airport, we were bathing a cat and cleaning up the couch. Delta failed at baggage check, because the woman in charge of our line decided to walk away and leave 20 people standing there. The manager came up and asked if we had been helped, I said no because the woman walked away. He went to pull up our bag tags and informed us that we might need to rebook because the 5 minutes we stood there waiting on someone to take up her line caused us to come under the 45 minute bag check requirement. But he got us on our flight anyway (it was a nice recovery). Then, on to security. The terminal we were using had its own security check point, with all scanners being used. I opted out, to the snarls of my husband who thought I was being petty. The guy doing the line filtering weakly calls out, "female opt-out" which got 0 attention from anyone else in the area. So I stand. And stand, and stand. He repeats his calls about 4 times, while I continue to direct the line past me. Finally, someone asks me if I'm going through, and I loudly proclaim, "NO! I'M WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO COME PAT ME DOWN!" Which gets every TSA guards attention and a glare from the guy in charge of my line. I told him if he had actually called out, with authority, maybe one of the 3 people two lines over, who were gossiping and joking around might actually do their job. At any rate, it got me my pat down, and as I walked past, the guy directed me where I could lodge my complaint. Yeah right, I had 5 minutes to get to my gate because I had spent 15 minutes waiting for a damned pat down.

Those people are so freaking useless. But kudos to the woman who ended up giving me my pat down. She was professional, however seemingly unsure in her touch, and very polite. She got it done and didn't BS me, and didn't force my husband to get rechecked because I touched his face to move his eye sight to his computer since he wasn't listening to me when I told him to look down.

I’m very disappointed…

*****Disclaimer*****

My apologies if you don't wish to read this and it takes up your page. It was not my intention when I set out, and normally, I would happily hide it behind a cut. But this is something that I believe needs to be said, and hiding it behind a cut would defeat the purpose of writing it.

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In a number of things, but we'll start the massive brain dump with the thing on the forefront of my mind, that makes my husband continually ask what's wrong with me…

Something horrible happened yesterday, 28 people were killed in the course of one man committing suicide. It was evil, regardless of what his personal issues were, that lead him to yesterday morning, it was evil. There is no changing that. Last night, before I went to bed, The Travel Yogi decided to post, what I consider to be, an anti-yogi status update. The call not to have a dialog about our issues as a culture that lead us to days like yesterday, but to further restrict guns – because a man intent on going on a killing spree was denied the ability to legally purchase the firearms. So, instead, he opted to take his mother's – before or after killing her. Gun control worked. Unfortunately, in the words of a legal beagle friend of mine, he decided to commit other crimes in order to obtain them.

I'm disappointed, because lost in all of this is something I consider to be the ultimate question – What is wrong with us, not as individuals, but as a culture? Out of all the vomit on FB and in the news, I've only seen this question asked twice, but not answered – or even seriously considered. Instead I see calls for more control, calls for less control, the occasional blame on the individual who actually perpetrated it (and who I will never name, because he doesn't deserve a name, in the same vein that I don't believe he deserves a burial better than being left out for the animals to scavange).

Now, going back to the anti-yogi stuff….Yoga is a process of self-knowledge and self-discovery. Using different branches, the goal is to shed into what is your higher self. We go out into the world, to show others how it can be, and that it can be done. We actively serve and provide a safe space for others to discover themselves. In relation to the topic, the focus was on the material tool – the guns used – not the intent, or the issues surrounding the person who chose to use a tool for an evil purpose. One of the major Hindu texts, the Bhagavad Gita, takes place on a battlefield, prior to the protagonist of the tale going to battle. He faces a serious quandary in regards to the idea of having to possibly kill a member of his family. It was a violation of the first Yama, Ahimsa (nonviolence). It's a quandary that many within the military and law enforcement field have had to face, and come to grips with. An ethical person will always have that issue, when faced with that kind of decision. A law-abiding citizen, who chooses to arm his/herself makes the choice to use their weapon in either defense. This man, chose to arm himself in offense – against children. For whatever reason, whether it be a mental disease or lapse, he premeditated the death of someone, and that someone ended up being mostly innocent children. This is not a case of SpiderMan, or The Mask, where an evil spirit rides a person and makes them do these horrible things. It was the choice of a man, not the weapon.

To go back to my question…what's wrong with us as a culture? That makes people jump to killing someone, instead of talking, or dealing with their anger in a constructive manner? It's not movies, it's not video games. Many of these weapons have been around for decades, much longer than I've been alive. Yet in recent times, it took a sudden turn for the worst. Is it people lacking respect for each other? For their lives? Probably. We don't actually talk anymore. We're so focused on getting what we want, and when we want it, that we don't sit back and take in what we actually have. Nor do we interact with people. We cut people off on the roads, instead of letting them merge, because that car length is the difference between arriving 10 minutes early and being late. We sit on the phone all the time, because paying attention to work, or whoever called us, is more important than seeing that person trying to cross the crosswalk with the right-of-way. We ignore the accidents, crimes, or the injured people we see – because we're running late. We teach our children that material wealth is more important that watching the sun set, or going out to play on a nice day. We teach them that these things are theirs, by right, and if anyone else tries to take them, Mommy and Daddy will come in to yell at that kid's parents. We teach them to cower in front of anyone who demands anything from them, because standing for yourself is wrong. We reward bullies for their behaviour, when it reaches the boiling point that the bullied lashes out, because no one would listen to them. And as a result, those kids are punished and taught to sit back and "take it." Yet, we coddle our kids. We don't let them participate in sports where there are winners and losers – for the sake of their self-esteem. We don't teach them humility and how to win graciously. We teach them that they are all the same; that trying their best doesn't gain them any kind of recognition. Because pride, when coupled with humility, is somehow evil. Believing in your own greatness is looked down upon, but believing in your misery is somehow a virtue.

The problem, is that the world, however we view it in its idealistic phase, does not allow for these things. These kids, who think they're "hot shit", when they go to get a job and find out that they are underqualified and lack the skills for the job they claim is right for them lash out. They're unprepared an emotionally immature to deal with their own failings, because they've never been allowed to fail. Some of them get a late lesson and recover, others go on sprees of violence – whether it's against themselves or others. It's because somewhere, WE FAILED THEM. Our "mind our business" mentality is what is killing us. Those of us who see this, and say nothing are at fault. We, as a society, have gotten too PC and overly inclusive to have the fortitude to stand up when we need to – because we're afraid of offending someone.

As a country, we once had values. They were espoused in the Declaration of Independence and elaborated upon in the Bill of Rights and the various writings of our Founding Fathers. What are our values now? Freedom for everyone? The right to pursue life, liberty, and happiness? We are selfish. Our pursuit of happiness is greed. Our liberty is a joke. And life? Some, and this includes some of those brave teachers who really fulfill the definition of a hero, are willing to defend those who can't defend themselves, against those who wish to do them harm. They are willing to stand up and say something is wrong and protect the innocent who need their protection.

And the problem with the arguments today, is the call to remove a tool from an ethical citizen's arsenal, for providing for both themselves and their loved ones. All because others are afraid and unwilling to stand up for themselves.