pronoia

Who knows….

I have no clue where I’m going to go with this entry, maybe no where. I feel the need to retreat from this world, or at least this country. I’m proud that we’re finally waking up and the catalyst to do so was the result of the curtain being removed from around the land of Oz. And as always, there is a but here…

It saddens me, in all of this, to watch voices be silenced because of disagreement – even if they are of an opinion I disagree with. I’ve pretty much hit the point where I don’t feel I can even talk to most people, rationally, about anything these days. So I sit in silence, occasionally giving a thumbs up, going about my business, and keeping my head down. It’s not worth it anymore and I’d rather spend my time obsessing over philosophy and the trends of nature. But this is a trend. Chaos must precede order, death must come to make room for life. Just as the wildfires and floods cleanse the land for the smaller trees and flora that need the ash and space to grow, so too must the world of man exist in similar fashion.

There’s an extent to which I look forward to the cleansing this brings to the socio-political world, but it’s a question of who to trust in the aftermath and whether or not they are what they seem. There’s a lot of fog around me these days, physically and metaphysically. These days, it makes me wonder if it’s a sign of things to come and whether the idea of being a secluded mystic is more the path for me than being in public. And the more I contemplate the idea, the more life seems to work for me. It also seems to be the direction the universe is sending me.

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Gearing up…

Tomorrow is the first of “big days” in my treatment. The teeth come out. The positive is that they’re crowded already so it won’t be much of a gap. I’m already talking funny because I have too much stuff in my mouth. But that’s ok. I’m dealing.

I am finding my anxiety is getting worse, which is weird. It’s all money related because this shit ain’t cheap and the Drs will only deal with insurance in the manner of sending it in. I have to pay out first, insurance reimburses me. Seriously fucked up shit, but I can’t blame the Drs, I don’t want to deal with insurance.

The best part, I’m starting to get back into my head on the deeper topics. Been rolling around ideas about wisdom and truth and how they play out in Biblical stories with that cast of characters. I can’t remember the movie that sparked that thought process, but I’m glad it did because I need to ponder that those things. I also need to get off my ass and email/call my elder so we can start our monthly sit-downs. I have ideas on where to start, but I find I work better with guides, and that gives me a tribe connection – which has sorely been missing of late. Bit by bit I’m disappearing. I don’t know why I feel like that, because I’ve almost always felt like the loner. Even in groups. Some connection that I just can’t see, always out of my reach or sight that prevents me from actually feeling like I am really part of a group.

I just don’t get what I’m missing from that equation. And it hit me hard yesterday. I’m making my way through the Robin Williams part of my Netflix queue, and like 20/20 hindsight of David Foster Wallace, this manner of death casts a shadow on how I interpret his works of late. Yesterday, I watched World’s Greatest Dad. Given the issues he was dealing with in his real life, it made the words stick out all the more. Did he choose that script because of what was going on in his head? Was that his call out for help? Did everyone miss it because it wasn’t in wide release? But the best part was when he told everyone off, walking into the natatorium, stripped down and jumped naked off the high dive. That’s kinda how I feel. Except he was casting off society to join a small group of outliers that shared a love of horror movies and odd psychosis. I don’t feel I have that. Or maybe it’s just the burrowing season of winter that throws me into my cave for self-reflection. Or maybe just perspective of that, and it’s all just a temporary illusion of the season.

When I’m out, I don’t know why, but it feels like I’m walking into the shallow end of the kiddie pool. I think I’d rather be at the meeting of some philosophy club discussing the deeper meaning of Kierkegaard. I would like to enjoy the kiddie pool, but I think my brain is screaming out for exercise, too. Need to figure that one out.

My horrorscope for the day…

You're feeling an intense sense of healing emanating from somewhere deep — so deep that you may not even realize where it's coming from. Try not to worry about it too much, as it's strictly positive.

I ended up with a day off, so far. So with all stress I've been under with the paranoid watching of my car out the window, and randomly hitting the lock/unlock buttons on my remote – just in case someone's under it – I managed to sleep in. I think the CatBox is pretty safe during the day, since there are no cars around to hide someone slinking around it. But all this stuff does lead me to question – what exactly is the cause of all of this? Is this a purge going on so I can move forward? Is this a sign that I'm moving in the wrong direction on something? And if so, what something is going in the wrong direction? Everything that has happened in the last 3 months has been personal and hitting at my home and my heart – but most of the physical damage has been to my bank account. And that last part, is where the stress comes from. The pattern seems to be that we get within range of paying off all credit cards, then something major hits and jacks us back up to where we don't want to be. I'm not sure if it's a taunt to clear out the savings account, or if it's just a reminder of where things just naturally are for now. Given all the crap that happened in November, I was hopeful that this was going to be a recovery year. Where growth would happen and I'd be able to start doing all the nice things for my friends that I used to do, and be able to go visit them for weekend get-aways.

But instead, I'm left waiting on my percentage of insurance reimbursement, and then having to divvy that up so I can pay out the next thing that I will have to wait for reimbursement on. I've been telling myself to trust in the universe, it hasn't let me down yet. But it's playing a semi-nasty game of monkey in the middle with me right now. I want to trust, but I also want to go back to sleep and not wake up till all of this is over.

My positives: My intermediate class is almost full on Wednesdays. I'm finding my way with them, even the difficult one. I'm starting to get interest in private yoga classes. I have an Alpine snuggling with me and coffee. A dreary day, but it's absolutely amazing to look out the window at it.

I am lost…

It's dark.
Are my eyes open?
:click::spark:
What was that?
:click::spark:
….
:click::spark: :click::click: :click::spark:
:clicksparkclicksparkclicksparkclickspark:

Upleftdownbackfrontrightfowardssidetosidedownfront
OhMyGodOhMyGod!!!
Sensory.Over.load.
Where is that coming from? Why can't I see anything?!?!?!?!?!?!
:click::spark:
Please…
:click::spark::flame:

Thank you…
:silence:
stsssssssssssssssssssss

The New Year…

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

"I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life," said Scorpio painter Georgia O'Keeffe, "and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do." I think her declaration is excellent medicine for you. In 2013, you will have great potential for upgrading your relationship with your fears — not necessarily suppressing them or smashing them, but rather using them more consistently as a springboard, capitalizing on the emotions they unleash, and riding the power they motivate you to summon.

FreeWill Astrology

I have no interest in being terrified, but I will definitely admit that I need to get over my avoidance of forgiveness, and finding a way to do so. I've always been aware that it was a process, not something you can force, or give lip-service to, but a full long-term process. For me, it's full of anger, mostly at myself and that causes an inability to forgive others, because I blame myself for whatever the result is/was that got me into the mess. Over the last couple of weeks, it's become pretty obvious that I'm ready to forgive, a little. I need to let it go, a fear that I have no idea where it came from. I'm just tired of the anger, and I'm tired of the passion I used to have no making my heart sing every morning. It has taken a physical toll, I think, and is probably the reason why I have so much trouble waking up in the morning (doesn't help that I stay up too late, either). But the waking up part came before the going to bed late, so I can't really blame the late turn in.

Without further ado…

So, I slept in this morning…

Then preceded to attempt at finding a balance in the latest cheap coffee I bought, will not buy cheap coffee again, least not Arabica cheap coffee. I've discovered that I much prefer the gentle wood scents of Sumatra, Arabica smells like Starbucks.

While doing that, I managed to not really check facebook, so much as I responded to a message about the upcoming Equinox ritual tomorrow night. I'm filling the priestess role and my brain is still in yogaland – but at least said brain is functioning. Instead, I grabbed my book and headed out on the patio, after prepping the chairs with their mats and cleaning off the patio from my adventures in sawing window props from my old closet shelves (BTW, I still have a bathroom mirror to whoever wishes to give it a good home, since Pastry won't let me crack it an either make art out of it or send it to the landfill). Lost track of time and spent a good 3 hours out there reading. It's the first time, since I'd bought this place, that I've spent that much time out there. No music, no podcasts, just birds and cats chasing carpenter bees. And has anyone else realized, how stupid carpenter bees can be? They fly around like they have a broken horizon and bounce into things. Knowing how a bee's eye is set up, I can understand that whole "seeing triple" issue, but really, I'd think they could see in 3D.

Yoga stuffs, cut for your sanity…