tidbits

Hrm…

So, with my world in absolute chaos due to tricksters making evolution happen, it dawned on me that I’m having a creativity drought. It was thrown at me yesterday as one of my gymnasts let out a huge groan followed by a very loud “Oh MY god!!!” as I tried to wrangle her teammates into setting up our stations. Granted, my usual passion in what I do has been tempered by the adult realities of life and I find myself regressing back into a few points in my life where I felt my fires either being snuffed out or just quelled to smoke by a dump of cold water.

But in my time off, my creativity has been seriously stifled. I remember days where I could churn out poems, most of which made no sense, doodled new animals to life, or imagined symphonies that would make the masters weep. But here I am, grasping at what others have created, in hopes that it will kick my muse back to life. Be the lightening that rekindles the flames. But always, I come back to the person(s) that would rather let someone suffocate, just to see those lips turn black. Those who I ultimately don’t know whether I should pity or ignore. The killjoys.

She is right. And that’s what those people do, they make you question everything. Feel worthless in your talents. All so that you eventually wither away and die. The Echo to Narcissus.

Sinking in…

Today I’ve been the social butterfly, meeting in the morning to decompress, get to know a new friend and mentor, and brainstorm the impending creation of my own coaching style and philosophy. Lots of words and thoughts throwing around in my brain. Emails sent trying to outline more and get support to make it all happen. Anxiety about the excitement and space it opens up for me to grow and learn as a person. Then finding the comfort of the full length sweater that I wanted to get months ago on clearance – in my size.

It’s amazing how simple that kind of comfort can be. Allowing me the space to gather some of my thoughts, articulate them and send more of them out. In putting together my application for summer camp, I find that I actually have to tell someone why they should pick me over people I don’t know and possibly have never met. I always hated these essays, not because they make me talk myself up, but because they make me try to convince others that I am more deserving and special than others who are writing them. I consider that a recipe for disaster, because it creates this expectation. Not that I can’t live up to one, but that I prefer to let my actions speak louder than my words. I’m human, I screw up occasionally (and sometimes more than that), and I waltz through other challenges like champion.

I still need to sit down and do my taxes. The city where my business resides has the most asinine rules for renewing licensure. It’s like the folks in charge failed to read the US Constitution to find that natural born citizens have to relinquish their citizenship. But again, I have to prove I’m a citizen. Despite everything being digitized, they can’t maintain records to know that I’ve already proven I am. Not only that, I need to find where I hid my login and password. Headaches. At least my actual taxes will be easier, just a matter of sitting down and organizing them.

Things, things, things.

2016…

3 Hawks circled our house this morning. With the rain subsiding, all the smaller birds returned, including a previously unseen red-mohawked woodpecker (no, he work a speckled suit, not a blue one). I also smudged the house, and am still smudging it. We had hoped to spend today finishing up the things we started yesterday, unfortunately Pastry is sick. Possibly from inhaling some of the drywall from yesterday’s demolition.

I feel confident on this next year, not necessarily that it will be stagnant, but that it will be busy – good busy. I think that most of last year was pretty much dedicated to wiping out a lot of old stuff. Old relationships that were unserving, job situations that weren’t beneficial, and some other stuff. There is stuff that I wish wasn’t ending, but such is the way of nature. I’m hoping that this is moving towards my “moment” where life finally smacks me upside the head and I finally listen to it and suddenly the river starts to flow.

We also need to start taking time out to be social. Whether old friends or new ones, though I’m leaning towards new friends. I’ve never really had a social circle, just a few friends that I’d go do stuff with. It’s easier in HS and college when you’re all kinda in the same place. Adulting is a bit different, with schedules and distance and all that stuff. Makes that whole being social thing kinda hard. But I do like the idea of meeting new people, even if it’s the result of people I already know.

I’m also contemplating re-starting a pagan discussion group. There’s not a Borders to host it at, but I’m sure something can be figured out if the interest is there. Just ideas that I’ve been tossing around.

Stopping to smell the flowers…

Which is kind of unavoidable as my deck is blooming (at least one flowering plant is, the other 6 or so are still works in progress).

I’ve been wandering around of late, spending more time reading Fallen Leaves by Will Durant. He’s one of my favourite lyrical historians so it’s interesting to hear his own thoughts on what he’s witnessed. A good bit echoes my grandmums’ opinions – my father’s mum never understood the need for women’s suffrage. She always thought we had better things to do than worry about men’s quarrels that would do the world no good. Some of his opinions I obviously disagree with, particularly when it comes to gender roles. But that’s beside the point. I get where he’s coming from in it, because we’ve lost our way and we’re trying to find it. The only issue is that in losing our way, we’ve found other routes and “trinkets” that now need integrating.

Which brings me to a thought I’ve been pondering – yoga. One of the blogs I’ve been reading and absorbing is written by a woman who grew up in the culture that has grown out of the Vedic teachings. I can’t fully sum up her opinions in a manner that will do her any justice here, but in my words – Americans are good at messing up good things in the name of improvement. We’ve pretty much perfected the process, mastered possibly.

At any rate, I’ve been taking inventory of my inclusion in the American yoga community and I’ve really started distancing myself. Sure, I’d love to feel the energy of a yoga rave or the community created at Wanderlust, but every time I look at the things going on I find it akin to the newly converted – who never get over that new conversion smell. It’s like all these people who are throwing themselves out there and holding themselves up as this awesome product to be sold. Spouting $0.05 wisdom as if they have opened a fortune cookie every minute or so. I don’t doubt their dedication to their practice or the fact that they’d probably still be doing what they’re doing if the audience was smaller. It’s the display.

It’s why so many people love Pope Francis, he comes off as authentic in who he presents himself as being. And I think that’s where I fall off the bandwagon. I don’t pretend to know sanskrit, and have had several of my clients correct my pronunciation of it (which is fine, as they got 2 years of it in school the same way we get our 2 years of some foreign or dead language in ours). I recognize the vibrational aspect of the language and how it relates to our bodies. I even recognize the easy description that it provides for the postures and actions – if you know the language. But none of that is any use for a casual student who is just starting out on their journey and learning to incorporate the whole concept into their life. Same goes for my gymnastics students…

As I told one of my clients, gymnastics was the sport that gave me more life lessons than any other sport I participated in. For all events, it’s a balance between strength and flexibility, grace and athleticism, and above all humility. My students are beginners, mostly. They fall often and lack the strength that the events truly require. But that’s life. You start out with one skill and build on it. You fall down, get back up. If getting back up is difficult you find a new way to get back up. If your body isn’t built for one skill, you modify it. If strength is the issue, you keep at it till your body is strong enough. Every day you are pushing one limit or another and finding that you can step past yesterday. That fear? You find it’s gone or learn that fear is what holds you back, but also pushes you further.

But the humility. You learn that on day 1. You learn that there are things you naturally just can’t do, that someone else can. You have days where you can do nothing but fall. Over and over. Your balance is off, you’re tired, you can’t concentrate. The drama that you thought you left at the door suddenly found its way in. Life. You’re good at one event but another one is just a giant brick wall that you can’t see around. Society. The petty teammate who wants nothing more than to see you fail. The coach who is yelling at you out of love. The gym moms… Your friends who don’t understand why you can’t play hooky. The guy that’s interested in you but you don’t even notice the hints (even though you’re interested, too). All those other things you want to do, but aren’t important right now. Sacrifice.

Step by step…

I’m walking away from things and walking towards others. Every time I open Facebook I sit and wonder why I’m even there. I scroll through half of it, comment and like few and in-between and noticing that I make a decision based on whether or not it’s an open post and whether or not it’s something I mind the search engines knowing. I don’t mind, I just find it interesting.

I’ve also cut back on that whole coffee thing. I couldn’t drink it post surgery, and surprising enough I didn’t miss it. I like that idea because it means I can now sit back and really enjoy the moment of it, in the same way a Japanese tea ceremony is to be enjoyed. I’m longing for the warmth of weather so I can sit on the patio again, listening to the world happen. We’re already contemplating this year’s layout and the new things we need to get to make it our little refuge.

I haven’t gotten back into my full asana practice. Meditation is happening more and more, though. That otherworld call keeps happening and I keep giving in to it. I can’t wait for the veil to start opening again to me. The realization that yes, I do need to be in this world, but no, it’s not the most important place to be. My life tends to not fall apart as fast or be as hard to deal with when I allow that realization to manifest. Digging myself out of that wretched hole, finally.

Gearing up…

Tomorrow is the first of “big days” in my treatment. The teeth come out. The positive is that they’re crowded already so it won’t be much of a gap. I’m already talking funny because I have too much stuff in my mouth. But that’s ok. I’m dealing.

I am finding my anxiety is getting worse, which is weird. It’s all money related because this shit ain’t cheap and the Drs will only deal with insurance in the manner of sending it in. I have to pay out first, insurance reimburses me. Seriously fucked up shit, but I can’t blame the Drs, I don’t want to deal with insurance.

The best part, I’m starting to get back into my head on the deeper topics. Been rolling around ideas about wisdom and truth and how they play out in Biblical stories with that cast of characters. I can’t remember the movie that sparked that thought process, but I’m glad it did because I need to ponder that those things. I also need to get off my ass and email/call my elder so we can start our monthly sit-downs. I have ideas on where to start, but I find I work better with guides, and that gives me a tribe connection – which has sorely been missing of late. Bit by bit I’m disappearing. I don’t know why I feel like that, because I’ve almost always felt like the loner. Even in groups. Some connection that I just can’t see, always out of my reach or sight that prevents me from actually feeling like I am really part of a group.

I just don’t get what I’m missing from that equation. And it hit me hard yesterday. I’m making my way through the Robin Williams part of my Netflix queue, and like 20/20 hindsight of David Foster Wallace, this manner of death casts a shadow on how I interpret his works of late. Yesterday, I watched World’s Greatest Dad. Given the issues he was dealing with in his real life, it made the words stick out all the more. Did he choose that script because of what was going on in his head? Was that his call out for help? Did everyone miss it because it wasn’t in wide release? But the best part was when he told everyone off, walking into the natatorium, stripped down and jumped naked off the high dive. That’s kinda how I feel. Except he was casting off society to join a small group of outliers that shared a love of horror movies and odd psychosis. I don’t feel I have that. Or maybe it’s just the burrowing season of winter that throws me into my cave for self-reflection. Or maybe just perspective of that, and it’s all just a temporary illusion of the season.

When I’m out, I don’t know why, but it feels like I’m walking into the shallow end of the kiddie pool. I think I’d rather be at the meeting of some philosophy club discussing the deeper meaning of Kierkegaard. I would like to enjoy the kiddie pool, but I think my brain is screaming out for exercise, too. Need to figure that one out.